Jakes By Nick James

JAKES Apartment/Office.
(JAKES stirs from bed in Upper Stage Right. He lifts his head and moans, then lies back down. His hand falls to the floor searching for something. A watch can be seen under the bed. It is the only thing there.  JAKES rolls off the bed and onto the floor. Liquor and beer bottles are about the apartment.)

JAKES
(to audience)

Jaeger. It will do you in every time. It always seems like a rip roller good idea after I close a case and had three beers. It only becomes apparent after nine shots an’ death gnawing your head in the morning that it wasn't. Some traditions weren't meant to be kept. Fuck I'm flopping around like a newborn, trying to get my bearings. I don't remember most of last night. That's how it is with Jaeger. Damn those Opiates in it. It'll come to me, in pieces, through the day. Most of it will, some never. Some nights you don't want to remember. Some nights Jaeger is the only thing that will get you through it.
Nights like last night.

(Knocking. JAKES looks around, unsure of where the door is. He stands, using the bed as leverage, then falls on it. Knocking continues.)

JAKES
(to audience)

What kind of rat bastard would be knocking at this time in the morning? Anybody who knows anything knows after I close a case I'm unfunctionable for a day.

(Knocking. JAKES sits up. He stands and walks to the door. He opens it, a woman is standing there. She is dressed in a long gown. Attractive. She slaps JAKES and walks into the room.)

JAKES
(to audience)

I clearly know her. But from where? Was it last night? Damn that Jaeger.

JAKES

You got a lot of nerve, lady, slapping me an’ waltzing into my office like you own it.

(EVITA walks over to JAKES and slaps him again.)

EVITA

Nerve?You bastard! You were the one who left me last night with that buffoon of a man, you're lucky I'm talking to you at all. I'm only here because you were charming and told me I was the prettiest flower outside of Eden.

JAKES

You have to understand something about last night. I was drunk.

(EVITA goes to slap JAKES again. He catches her arm and throws it away.)

I've had enough of you slapping me for one morning. Listen, doll, just because I was drunk doesn't mean what I said wasn't true. If my head wasn't pounding the way it is, I would still think those statements valid. As it is, you come in here an’ slap me several times. I don't even remember you. Your flower has welted. You can leave.

EVITA

You said you would help me. I came off wrong. I'm sorry about that. I was just so mad you left me. Pardon my temper. You did love it last night when I was yelling at the bartender for making my drink wrong. Will you please just listen? I'll be nice. I promise.

(EVITA pecks JAKES)

JAKES

I'll right, I'll listen. Go in the kitchen first an’ fetch me a whiskey an’ water to help my head.

EVITA

Thanks Jacks.

JAKES

How drunk were you last night?

EVITA

I only had that one drink. The bartender made me so mad I didn't want another drink from him.

JAKES

Honey, you can to lie to some of the people some of the time an’ you can lie to me most of the time, but next time when walk into an office trying to con some poor sap into whatever game you have going…read the door better. Its Jakes not Jacks. Jacks is a type of game you play. Jakes is a man you can never play.

(silence)

You going to get my drink so I can listen to your game.

EVITA

I'm not playing any game.

JAKES

Did I say I cared? Now, go get me my drink or get out.

EVITA

Jakes, I want your help, but I am still a lady. Aren’t you forgetting the art of chivalry?

JAKES

Princess, I’ve never been much of an artist.

(EVITA exits. JAKES walks over to his desk and sits. When she is gone JAKES is searching the top of his desk)

JAKES
(to audience)

I don't know what kind of game she's playing. I do know she's playing something. As she was talking I did remember a few things. The yelling at the bartender jarred something. He had made her a Cosmo with a splash of lemon instead of a twist. Only women throw hussy fits over things as trivial as that. I'll listen to her story, nod at the places I'm suppose to nod at an’ bit her farewell. Women as attractive as her only led you to trouble. Trouble was something I only got into when I wasn't hung over.

(EVITA enters with two drinks.)

JAKES

Women they always assume they can have something themselves.

(EVITA hands JAKES his drink.)

EVITA

Did you say something?

JAKES

When I'm talking to you. Listen. When I'm not. Don't. What time is it?

(EVITA checks her watch.)

EVITA

Why you being cruel? Ain’t I being sweet? I got you a drink, even washed out the glass for you.

JAKES

You're just going have to forgive me. My pleasantries have gone out the window. This morning is not being nice to me an’ I see no reason why I should be nice to it. You going to tell me the time or am I going have to make a sundial?

EVITA

It hasn’t been the morning for a while, hon. It's Noon thirty.

JAKES
(to audience)

I always hate it when people call it Noon thirty. Stupid. I've never seen Noon on any watch before. Where is my grandfather’s watch?

(to EVITA)

Hey sugarbear, you notice if I had my watch on me when I left the bar last night?

EVITA

What is it with you and that watch? You talked about it for twenty minutes last night. I think you love that watch more than you love the drink, and you to love the drink. It's just a watch.

JAKES

Blondie, it's not just a watch. My grandfather got it in the war. Some German was trying to kill him, but my grandfather was the better man that day and killed him. After he figured the German was trying to take his life, so he would take his watch. Didn't hurt that it was a really nice watch. So, no, it's not just a watch. It's a symbol of my family. If you’re going to try an’ take advantage of one of us, you better hope you're the better man that day; otherwise we'll stab you in your heart an’ take your watch.

EVITA

That doesn't make a lot of sense. Why would he decide to take--

JAKES

You seen my watch on me or not?

EVITA

Yeah, sure, it was on you.

JAKES

You going to tell me the reason you're here or are you just going to mock my family?

EVITA

My husband needs to go away, permanently. He doesn't love me. I don't think he ever has. He just thought I was attractive and wanted to sleep with me, but after he did he didn't want another man to. He's insanely jealous. When I first met him I liked him, almost loved him. He was handsome, charming, really strong, and, of course, rich. Now he's just a buffoon. One to many punches to the head. He won't grant me a divorce and, even if he did, I won't get a cent. Prenup. Please you’re my only hope.

JAKES

You think you can come in here with your tight dress an’ curves an’ I'll kill him, no problem, after you slap me, kiss me, and tell me a typical story of how you hate your husband?

EVITA

(approaches)

He has lots and lots of money. Afterward, we can move to the Caribbean. On our honeymoon, we went to St. Thomas. I just fell in love with it. I want to live the rest of my life there…with you.

(kisses JAKES)

JAKES

I threw up before I passed out last night. Hope I tasted real nice right then.

(EVITA pulls out a mint; puts one in JAKES mouth)

EVITA

You’re a hard man. You know how to handle yourself in tough situations. I like that. I like you.

(kisses JAKES)

But you're a poor man and a drunk. You don't have money, probably never have. You wouldn't have to worry about getting kicked out of your...office ever again. I saw the notice. Money changes things. Everything. Don’t you want to know what’s it like not having to worry about money? Not living day to day, but living moment to moment.

(kisses JAKES. EVITA moves JAKES hands suggestive down her body during the next line.)

Wouldn’t you like to sit on a nice warm wet beach all day long drinking the finest rums and whiskeys?

JAKES

Can't really stand rum.

(kisses EVITA)

EVITA

Just whiskey then. You'll do it, then?

JAKES

Not a chance in hell.

EVITA

(pulls away)

Why not?!?

JAKES

(pulls her back in)

First, I'm not a cold-blooded murderer. Most people aren't sunckums. I'm not that hard up I'll off some guy just because some dames kisses me a couple of times. Never have been, never will. Second, if I did it, how do I know you wouldn't find some other poor smuck to off me in a couple of years?

EVITA

He beats me; you wouldn't do that, would you?

JAKES
(to audience)

Only like a red headed step-child.

EVITA

And he forces me to have sex with him, even when I don't want to. Some times violently.

JAKES

(to audience)

She probably calls it rape. He probably calls it surprise sex.

EVITA

You would love me, take care of me; treat me the way I should be treated. We're talking about millions of dollars. Even if you didn't want to stay with me we could split the money fifty/fifty and go our separate ways. Jakes it could be fun. We meet, we kill my husband, we get rich, and we go our separate ways, all the while we are lovers. It’s very romantic. There’s a reason why my husband doesn’t want other men to touch me. I’m that good in bed.

JAKES
(to audience)

I had a dream last night I was a puppet. God loves foreshadowing.

EVITA

What do you say?

JAKES

I say I need more convincing.

(JAKES picks up EVITA kisses her, and takes her to the bed.)

EVITA

I can be very convincing. So, you'll do it?

JAKES

I haven't said anything one way or the other.

(to audience)

Looks like we both will be taking advantage of each other in this relationship.

(Lights fade.)

SCENE 2
JAKES' APARTMENT
(JAKES is lying on the bed alone. Shirt and pants off. There is a knock at the door.)

JAKES

Son of a bitch! Right when I go to sleep again!

(JAKES gets up. Finds his pants and puts them on.)

Where is that watch? Man, if I lost--

(more knocking)

Hold on. I'm coming.

(Opens door. HAROLD stands in doorway)

What you want?

HAROLD

You remember me from last night?

JAKES

That would be a...no.

HAROLD

I need your help.

(HAROLD moves JAKES aside and enters the apartment.)

JAKES

(sarcastically)

Come on in. I don't mind.

HAROLD

Thanks.

(JAKES goes back to the bed to pick up shirt and puts it on.)

JAKES

What do you want this early in the morning?

HAROLD

It's five at night.

JAKES

Really? Well, when you drink as much as me last night the whole next day is the early morning. People should never wake in the morning.

HAROLD

(HAROLD sits in a chair in front of the desk)

I think my wife is cheating on me.

JAKES

She is. Case closed, pay me fifty bucks and get out.

HAROLD

What? How do you know?

JAKES

(JAKES sits at desk)

It's been my experience when a man comes to a private eye thinking his wife is cheating on him, she probably is. I don't know your wife or you, but I know women an’ I know worried husbands. Assume she is, because she is, do what you have to do to her, beat her, divorce her, whatever, just pay me my fifty bucks and get out.

HAROLD

You do know her.

JAKES

I know plenty of women. She’s still cheating.

HAROLD

From last night. You sat talking and drinking with us most of the night about the case you just closed. The jewelry heist. My wife was complaining to the bartender about her drink. She had spunk.

JAKES

Oh her.

HAROLD

Do you remember her now?

JAKES

You can say that.

HAROLD

Good. Would you find out for me if she is?

JAKES

She is.

HAROLD

What? How do you know?

JAKES

Same way I know if any wife is cheating on her husband. Because they are, they always are.

HAROLD

I want you to get proof, more than just a hunch.

JAKES

You want proof. I fucked her early this morning. She wants me to kill you. Now pay me my fifty bucks and let me go back to bed. Today is turning into a day I don't want to be awake for.

HAROLD

(laughs)

You're a funny guy. I want actual proof, photos, a tape recording, something that I can show her. I'm willing to pay you two hundred bucks. Four times your fifty bucks. You can buy a lot of Jaeger with that. Are you willing to do it?

JAKES

I'll tell you what I'm willing to do. I'm willing to get myself a drink. Want one?

HAROLD

Got whiskey and water?

JAKES

I do. You're a good man. I almost feel sorry for fucking your wife now.

(to audience)

On second thought, no…no I don’t.

HAROLD

You kept me in stitches all last night too. 'A man that can make others laugh is a man to be trusted.' That's a quote from the Bible.

JAKES
(to audience)

This guy is a buffoon.

(JAKES exits. HAROLD, alone, starts to think maybe JAKES wasn't lying. He starts looking around the apartment for signs of his wife. He gives up and sits back in chair. JAKES enters holding two glasses. He goes to the desk; looks at the flower jar, shrugs, and pours the water from that into the glass. He hands one to HAROLD.)

JAKES

Take this one.

(JAKES sits at his desk. Finds a handkerchief and wipes the rip of his glass)

Why do you think she is cheating on you?

HAROLD

She doesn’t come home nights. When I ask her where she was she just gets angry at me, accusing me of not trusting her.

JAKES

Do you trust her?

HAROLD

No, I never have. Didn’t think it was necessary in marriage. Thought all we needed was great sex and common interest.

JAKES

I don’t think marriage is necessary. This is the only reason you think she’s cheating on you, staying out all night, not coming home? She could just be getting drunk at bars, passing out on street corners or going home with strange men an’ sleeping on their...couch.

HAROLD

She called me another name in bed.

JAKES

Maybe she was role playing.

HAROLD

She called me Julio.

JAKES

An’?

HAROLD

Julio is our gardener.

JAKES

Maybe she was thinking about planting roses somewhere. You could be horrible in bed. She might have think of other things while you’re pounding away on her.

HAROLD

There is also the underwear.

JAKES

Does she not wear them?

HAROLD

No, she collects them. Men’s underwear. She has a drawer of them. I ask her about them and she said they were comfortable, but I never see her wear them.

JAKES

What do you want from me?

HAROLD

(confused)

I want you to find out if my wife is cheating on me.

JAKES

I got that, with this whole conversation being about your wife cheating on you, an’ you telling me you’ll pay me two hundred bucks to find out. That much I know. What I don’t know is if you really want to know. Some men come in here asking what you’re asking an’ when I tell them the truth, show them the photos, they're devastated. They go kill themselves, or their wives, or both. I don’t care what you do, as long as you pay me. You just have to ask yourself if you really want to know. Are you prepared to find out your wife doesn’t love you anymore, doesn’t care about you, prefers the company of other men?

HAROLD

I want to know if I made the worst mistake of my life by marrying her.

JAKES

(audience)

You made that mistake when you said ‘I do.’ Every guy does.

HAROLD

And I want to find out who she’s sleeping with.

JAKES

It’s been my experience it doesn’t matter whose she sleeping with, just that she’s sleeping with someone.

HAROLD

Yeah, but it’ll make me feel good beating his ass. These hands didn’t win me gold for nothing.

JAKES

You’re a boxing champ?

HAROLD

Three times.

JAKES

We’ll done here. Pay me as soon as you can. You should know sometimes these things take a while. Weeks, months. Who knows, maybe your wife isn’t cheating on you. Maybe she’ll turn out just to be a drunk an’ a fetish freak. I’ll keep in touch.

(They move to the door)

HAROLD

One last thing. I don’t want anyone to know about our arrangement. It might not look good if people thought we were having marriage issues.

JAKES

Believe me; no one is ever going to know.

HAROLD

I do love her with all my heart. Thought you should know.

JAKES

Uh ah. That's nice.

(closes door)

(to audience)

This will be a tough case to crack. I’ll take his money; put his file in the Unsolvables drawer...after I sleep.

(JAKES lies on bed, lights fade.)

SCENE 3

A STREET CORNER

(A single light is shining down stage. JAKES can stay sleeping on bed. Enter HAROLD and EVITA)

EVITA

Why did you insist we meet under a street light?

HAROLD

It’s very film noir. You know I like Bogart. I just wanted to start out our evening with some style.

EVITA

Do you know what film noir means?

HAROLD

(pause)

It means detective story.

EVITA

I’m glad you’re rich, cause you’re not smart.

HAROLD

And I’m glad you’re beautiful, cause you’re not kind.

EVITA

So where are we going tonight?

HAROLD

I thought we go down to Lorenzo’s for dinner. I know how you love their tortellini. Then we can go to the movies, the Maltese Falcon is playing. After we can go to the bar we were at last night. Maybe that detective Julio introduced us to will be there again. He had some good stories.

EVITA

You want to spend the evening watching a detective film then go visit with one?

HAROLD

Doesn’t that sound like fun?

EVITA

It sounds cliché. I’m sorry, that means boring, besides I can’t do all of that tonight. I have plans.

HAROLD

You have plans with me tonight.

EVITA

No, I have plans with mother. I told you earlier.

HAROLD

You told me you had no plans.

EVITA

Well, something came up.

HAROLD

Can’t you get out of it?

EVITA

It would be rude. I don’t make plans than cancel them.

HAROLD

That’s what you’re doing to me.

EVITA

You're different. You’re my husband, so it’s excusable. Plus I’m not breaking all of our plans. I’ll go to dinner with you and part of the movie.

HAROLD

(pulls her in)

Evita, you look so beautiful tonight. Don’t go. We hardly get to see each other anymore. Sometimes it feels like you’re just someone I hardly know, not my wife. Remember when we first got married? We couldn’t stay away from each other. I had to cancel a fight because of that locker room incident. Remember that? Three times. Chuck was so mad. He said, ‘You didn’t train for six months just so you could blow your load and the fight.’ We didn’t care. Can’t we just spend tonight together, like we use to. Evita, I love you. Tonight is our night, tomorrow you can spend it however you want, with who ever you want. What do you say? Cancel your plans; are they really more important than your husband?

EVITA

I tried taking some money out of the bank today, but they wouldn’t let me.

HAROLD

You need the account number.

EVITA

Why’d you change numbers?

HAROLD

Accountant said I should.

EVITA

Can you give me the new number?

HAROLD

I can go down there with you tomorrow. I decided to keep the account number on me, in a place no one will ever look. That way I’ll never lose it and no one will ever find it.

EVITA

You could just write it down for me.

HAROLD

You need my signature as well.

EVITA

I could forge it. I’ve done it before.

HAROLD

Why do you need the money?

EVITA

You’re always asking me questions. You always want to know what I’m doing and where I’m going. I’m getting sick of it, Harold, real sick of it. I’m your wife, you should just trust me. You want to know what I was going to do with the money. Fine I’ll tell you. I was going to buy you a birthday present. A real nice one, and surprise you with it. Now you’ve ruined it.

HAROLD

Evita, what were you really going to spend it on? I know it wasn’t going to be my birthday present.

EVITA

See, you never believe me. You never believe a word I say. I’m your wife. I’m the one person you should believe more than anyone.

HAROLD

I know you weren’t going to buy me a birthday present because my birthday was four months ago. You were in Paris.

EVITA

Oh.

(pause)

Well, that’s why it was going to be a surprise. I didn’t forget. It just didn’t get here till now. I went to Bloomingdale’s and placed a special order. They said it was going to get there in a week, but then there was a complication and it didn’t arrival until yesterday.

HAROLD

Evita, that’s so sweet. You really are good to me. You silly little goose.

EVITA

Why?

HAROLD

You don’t need to go to the bank. I have an account at Bloomingdales you know that; just have them put it on that.

EVITA

I don’t want you to know how much I spent.

HAROLD

I don’t care. It’s the thought that counts. Are you ready to go to dinner?

EVITA

I still want the account number. What if I need money in an emergency and you’re not around?

HAROLD

Evita, money’s a complicated thing. I don’t understand all of it. It’s best you don’t deal with it. I don’t. That’s why I have accountants.

SCENE 4

JAKES APARTMENT

(JAKES is lying on his back in the bed. He is holding a glass by the rim which is hanging over the edge. There is knocking at the door.)

JAKES

For the love of all that is holy, why won’t you people leave me alone! I ain’t answering the door.

(more knocking)

Did you hear me? I ain’t answering the door. Fuck off.

(more knocking)

EVITA

(from outside)

JAKES! JAKES! Wake up. I need to see you. I’m not leaving till you let me in.

JAKES

(to audience)

If I was Adam, I’d wish for my rib back right now.

(to EVITA)

Go away!

EVITA

(from outside)

JAKES! Please let me in. This will only take a second.

JAKES

(to audience)

I’m starting to believe this woman is like herpes. She always shows up when you don’t her too.

(to EVITA)

Two minutes, then I’m kicking you out.

(JAKES gets up and walks to the door. He opens the door but bars EVITA’S way.)

JAKES

What?

EVITA

Aren’t you going to let me in?

JAKES

Dollface, I’m two seconds away from finding a flight of stairs and...kicking you down them.

EVITA

It’s about my husband.

JAKES

Harold. Charming fellow. What about him?

EVITA

He knows about us.

JAKES

This is going to take more than two minutes isn’t?

EVITA

Please, just let me.

JAKES

Alright, Princess Charming, you know what’s going to happen if you’re any longer. Stairs aren’t that hard to find on the second floor.

(JAKES gestures for EVITA to enter.)

Welcome to my home. If you’ll excuse me. I need a drink for this.

(JAKES exits.)

EVITA

Get me one too.

(EVITA leans on his desk. She applies lipstick and checks her hair. She sprays perfume on her. JAKES enters and hands her a glass.)

JAKES

Did you just spray yourself with perfume?

EVITA

You like it. Its twenty dollars a bottle.

JAKES

Sugar, you paid nineteen dollars to much for it.

(JAKES sits.)

EVITA

I don’t know how he knows, but he knows about us.

JAKES

Does he know about Julio?

EVITA

The gardener? There’s nothing to know with him.

JAKES

You sure about that, honey bunches of lies.

EVITA

He’s a gardener. I would never sink that low.

JAKES

What time is it?

EVITA

(checks watch)

About ten.

JAKES

I asked you what time is was, not about what time it was. Is it ten or is it about ten?

EVITA

It’s ten o four.

JAKES

Your husband was here about five hours ago asking me to look in on you, see if you were cheating on him or not. He didn’t know I slept with you earlier today and I still don’t think he knows. So why don’t you tell me why you’re really here.

EVITA

You never answered me whether or not you’d help me kill him. I know where he keeps his bank account number, and I can forge his signature. What do you say? Maitai’s and beaches for the rest of our days.

JAKES

I want to tell you a story, cupcake. It relates to what’s going on here. Years ago, I was working on a case; some well known pilot got his kid taken from him. Nobody knew who did it. I thought I did. One day, I was walking down the street and I noticed that there was a blue jay chirping on a branch to my left. I also noticed that there was this cat, to my right, licking, cleaning himself. It was about nine at night and I ate a cheeseburger for lunch that day.

(pause)

Do you know the point of the story?

EVITA

No, I couldn’t really see one.

JAKES

Cause there was none. It was pointless, just like you trying to get me to kill your husband.

How many men have you tried to kill your husband?

EVITA

You're the first one.

JAKES

I'm the first one?

EVITA

You're the first one.

JAKES

Did you think you would waltz in here, seduce me, and bam I'd do anything for you.

EVITA

I was able to get you to sleep with me.

JAKES

Look at you honeydew, you're beautiful. I'd be a fool not to.

EVITA

You could have me every night.

JAKES

Tempting.

EVITA

Please. I'm tired of this life. All I want to do is live a life of laziness. Every since I was a little girl I wanted to live in the Caribbean. In paradise. In the most beautiful place on earth.

JAKES

(overlapping)

In paradise. In the most beautiful place on earth. I know. I know. You told me this before. It sounds nice, doll. Beaches, sun, and luxury. It just ain't my thing. I'm the type of guy who needs to keep his nose in some sort of muck. This city's full of it. I'd go crazy in a place like that.

EVITA

We don't have to go together. I could head down there and you could go anywhere. L.A,. Portland, New Orleans. You could find enough dirt to get between your fingernails there. Plus when you're bored or need to get away you could come down and visit me.

JAKES

Now why would I want to do that?

EVITA

I don't know. I'm sure we could think of reasons.

(kisses him)

One or two of them.

JAKES

You love being a woman.

EVITA

I love being with a man who knows how to be with a woman.

(JAKES puts EVITA on the desk)

JAKES

Next time, Jezebel, you really need to get a committed 'yes' to your plot before you sleep with your patsy.

EVITA

Why? You're going to do it.

JAKES

Am I? You still haven't given me enough of a reason to do it. Some cash in my pocket and a cold-blooded murder on my conscious, doesn't sound like much of a reason.

EVITA

(pause, not wanting to tell this)

Is four point seven million enough reasons for you? I could get my conscious to shut up for that much money.

JAKES

Hell, even if I had an issue with it, I could drown myself in enough liquor to forget about it. I’ll think about it. I'll think about it on the bed.

(JAKES picks EVITA up and carries her to the bed. They lay on the bed making out for a moment. A knock is heard at the door.)

JAKES

All I want is a place where people don't bother me.

HAROLD

(from outside)

JAKES! JAKES! I caught her!

EVITA

Holy shit he does know I'm here.

JAKES

(looks at her)

No, he doesn't. If he thought you were here he wouldn't be announcing his arrival. He'd just barge in. He'll go away.

HAROLD

(from outside)

JAKES! I know you're in there. Wake up. It's time to earn your money.

JAKES

Maybe he won't go away. Stay under the covers and don't move. I don't want this getting... awkward.

EVITA

I'll be a quiet as a mouse.

JAKES

Just make sure you don't squeak Minnie.

(JAKES walks to the door and opens it.)

JAKES

Harold. So nice of you to... come by.

(HAROLD makes his way in.)

HAROLD

I caught her. Tonight is the night you find out what she's doing and who she's doing it with.

JAKES

Didn't I make myself clear enough earlier? I'm not working today. I'm sleeping.

HAROLD

IThree hundred then. I caught her in a lie tonight and want you to track her down.

JAKES

Shouldn’t be to hard... for you to do it. Just follow your lead and confront her.

HAROLD

I don't know where she is exactly.

JAKES

Then why'd you come here all excited about catching her.

HAROLD

I know, but I don't know. That's why I need your help. She said she had plans with her mother. I went over to her house to see her and she wasn't there. Her mother said she hadn’t seen her, but talked to her tonight. She said Evita mentioned 'going to trendy-third tonight.' I don't know where that is, but I thought you might.

JAKES

(looks at bed)

Yeah, I know where that it. It's not a place, it's a street. You were just on it. It's the street right outside. Twenty-third. Trendy-third is just something people call it because of the shops up and down it.

HAROLD

Good then she's close.

JAKES

(to audience)

Too close for comfort.

(to HAROLD)

It's a big street. There's a lot of bars and shops and houses right off of it. The chances of finding her are pretty slim. If you want to go wander around be my guest. I'm staying here and sleeping.

HAROLD

There has to be hot spots. This is why I'm paying you. You don't know when you're going to get another opportunity like this and especially one that's so close.

JAKES

Technically you haven't paid me anything yet. Look I've been in this kind of work long enough to know that if a wife is cheating there are going to be plenty of opportunities. Just because she's on this street doesn't mean we have to jump at this chance.

HAROLD

I just can't stand the idea of her sleeping with another man. I love her. I don't think I tell her enough or show her how I care. I just don't know how. It's not my way. And it's not like I want to kill the guy whose sleeping with her, I just want to take out my frustrations on him for being a lousy husband. Is that so wrong?

(HAROLD sits on bed. There's a squeak. HAROLD pokes at the lump on the bed. HAROLD notices that there's someone under the covers. Simultaneously JAKES goes around the desk, opens a drawer and pulls out a knife. He slips it in his pocket.)

HAROLD

I didn't know you had a lady over.

JAKES

She's....

(HAROLD pulls off covers revealing EVITA)

JAKES

Shit. This isn't what it seems.

HAROLD

Why do you have your shirt off?

JAKES

She spilt whiskey on...

EVITA

Because I'm sleeping with him. He's more of a man than you ever were.

JAKES

Shit. It's not true she just wants to piss you off.

HAROLD

It's working.

(stands)

Are you sleeping with her?

JAKES

Noo. I told her to get under the covers because it looked bad. Didn't want you to get the wrong idea. You understand, Champ.

HAROLD

Then why is she here?

(to Evita)

Why are you here?

(to JAKES)

You weren't lying earlier when you said you were sleeping with her, were you? You were just going to take my money, sleep with my wife, and laugh all the way to the bank, weren’t you?

EVITA

That was the plan.

JAKES

You're not helping.

EVITA

We've been fucking like rabbits for months now. I'm over here because you hired him. We were going to take the money and go out of town. Some nice bed and breakfast. The kind of place that you don't ever eat breakfast because you're too busy...fucking.

(EVITA has gotten out of bed during this monologue and says the last bed directly into HAROLD'S ear.)

HAROLD

You son of a bitch.

(HAROLD punches JAKES repeatedly. He knocks JAKES to the down. JAKES slides back on the floor in a defensive position.)

JAKES

She's just trying to get you mad. She really does want me to kill you.

HAROLD

Only one persons dying tonight and it's going to be you.

(HAROLD charges JAKES. JAKES on the ground kicks HAROLD away. HAROLD stumbles back and charges again. JAKES pulls out the knife and perpares to use it. JAKES rocks up and stabs HAROLD in the heart. HAROLD steps back, looks at the knife in his heart turns toward EVITA.)

HAROLD

Mother was right. You were the death of me, but I'm not going alone.

(HAROLD graps EVITA, pulls the knife out of his heart and stabs her with it. HAROLD hold her close. They both sink to the ground. JAKES gets up and walks over to them.)

JAKES

Wasn't expecting that. Well granddaddy stabbed a man in his heart and took his watch kinda think I need to do the same.

(JAKES takes the watch off of HAROLD. He looks at it and starts to laugh.)

JAKES

Bank account number. He inscripted 'bank account number' then his bank account number on the back of his watch. Man, that guy was dumb. Fuck it. Four point seven million, ain’t so bad..

(JAKES goes to phone and dails a number)

Julio. It’s Jakes. The jobs done. Come over there are some daisies that need to be planted.

(JAKES hangs up phone.)

I will go somewhere. Never been to the Northwest. Portland, doesn't sound too bad. Rain sounds nice. As for now. A shot and a nap is in order. You two keep it down will you.

(JAKES lies on bed. Lights fade.)

THE END

Cast List:

Jakes—Male.

Evita—Female.

Harold—Male.

Props List:

Knife (Jakes)

Flower pot with water in it (on desk)

2 glasses (Jakes brings them on from off stage)

Phone (on desk)

Set:

Bed with minimum bedding

Two chairs

Desk

Door

http://www.myspace.com/video/vid/23260277