We All Spy

Lights up on two chairs and a table. One man is sitting looking over papers. This is Alec Trevelyan. Richard Javlin walks in a moment after lights up. We walks to the desk and sits down.

Alec Trevelyan

Javlin, good have a seat. Just looking over the Business of Advancing Destruction or B.A.D. intel. I swear they named themselves B.A.D. just to fuck with us. Cause we have to say B.A.D., we can't say the bad Intel. No one would know what we were talking about. Why couldn't they of named themselves...oh I don't know Crime or S.P.E.C.T.R.A.

RICHARD JAVLIN

S.P.E.C.T.R.A.?

ALEC

I don't know it was the first thing that came to mind. Anything would be better than B.A.D., it's just...

JAVLIN

Bad.

ALEC

Exactly. Which is why I want to take out these mothers. They are just so fucking annoying. Speaking of which, we may just be able to do it. I got the mission specs right here.

JAVLIN

Good. Let me see them. How many people are going in?

ALEC

Three. You, me, and, Fanny. Where are they? They were right here.

Alec looks through pile of papers on desk.

No that's not it. That's my shopping list. That's...I don't know. We will put that in the “Figure Out What's This” pile. It looks important. No, no, no...Okay basically we go in and kill them. That's the plan.

JAVLIN

Sounds simple enough. When are we going? And what's the catch?

ALEC

Catch? What catch?

JAVLIN

There's always a catch. It's never just go in and kill them. It's always go in and do this do that. Save him. Kill her. Kill him before you save her. Kill everyone but him. Kill her last when no one is looking.

ALEC

We may have a double agent in our midst and in which case we may be walking into a death trap. We just don't know.

JAVLIN

Sounds like my kind of party. Do we have an idea of who is it?

ALEC

Well, the brass upstairs seem to think it's one of us. That's why we are going. They figure if there’s a double agent she'll betray us, kill us, then we will know for sure. We won’t cause we’ll be dead, but the brass will.

JAVLIN

She? You think it's Famke.

ALEC

Well, I know it's not me, and I trained you, so I know it's not you. As for Franklin, not so sure. Botskis trained her and he turned out to be a traitor. Maybe he trained her to be a traitor. No one knew about him for 20 years. She might be a really good at traiting...traiting, no that's not right. Traitor. She might be really good at traitoring...You get the point.

JAVLIN

I get that you don't trust her. Alec Trevelyan, how long have you been my mentor? 5 or 6 years now. You and me, we go on missions together, watch football on Sundays. We have been a part of each others careers since I starting training. You know that's not like most people. Botskis trained hundreds of people. Do you think all of them are traitors? I've worked with Famke before.

Famke enters.

JAVLIN (cont)

I trust her. I trust her with my life. Famke is...

Lights on Famke.

FAMKE GREEN

The light of your life.

JAVLIN

I was going to say ‘not a traitor.’ But not now. Looking at you, I believe you could be dangerous.

FAMKE

Dangerous and betrayal are two different things. Don't you ever think I'm not dangerous.

JAVLIN

Danger I can handle. It's my middle name.

FAMKE

Why you legally changed it to Danger, I'll never know.

JAVLIN

Dick Danger Javlin is a bad ass name. You have to agree.

ALEC

Yes well this is all well and good, but I need to find the mission plan before we do anything...I might of left it on the copier. I'll be right back

Alec exits slowly mumbling. Famke and Javlin don't lose eye contact. They have been getting closer to each other during the dialogue. Javlin picks up Famke and puts her on the table.

JAVLIN

There's something I've been wanting to tell you.

They kiss.

FAMKE

Funny. There's something that I've been wanting to tell you.

Famke slaps Javlin.

JAVLIN

And that's for.

FAMKE

Cairo. You didn't have to sleep with her.

JAVLIN

Fam, that was part of the mission. You know this.

FAMKE

Sleeping with Elektra King was part of the mission, not her Sister.

JAVLIN

Well, somethings don't go exactly the way the mission was planned. I remember Paris 3 years ago. Things happened on that mission that wasn't planned...me falling for you for one.

FAMKE

Really? We must of gotten different mission statements, cause that was My mission.

JAVLIN

So I've been nothing more than an assignment to you.

FAMKE

Some assignments are Harder than others.

Pause

JAVLIN

You heard about this double agent? Who do you think it is?

FAMKE

Honestly, could be anyone. Doesn't matter. Agents turn all the time and every time we act all surprised. Anyone can turn. All it takes is the right amount of money and circumstance.

JAVLIN

No, there's loyalty to the country.

FAMKE

What country? Do we actually report to a country? Cause the last time I looked we did so many jobs for so many countries I don't know who signs my paycheck every week.

JAVLIN

Botswana.

FAMKE

Maybe 50 or 100 years ago borders mattered, but not now. Everything is based on the Economy and there is only one global economy. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear about my social political tirade.

JAVLIN

It's cute. You get all worked up? Seriously though, do you think you could ever be turned. Alec seems to think so.

FAMKE

Alec just doesn't like strong women. I don't know. Right now, I'm thinking a back massage could do it.

Alec enters.

ALEC

Five feet rule. Remember.

Alec pulls out tape measurer.

JAVLIN

You know that rule is bullshit.

FAMKE

How are we even suppose to look at the mission if Javlin and I have to be five feet apart?

ALEC

Not my problem. Gosh, I wasn't the one who started dating someone I work with. Can we go over the mission please?

FAMKE

Whatever. You can look at it first Javlin.

ALEC

B.A.D. is located in this building. It is called the Geological Optimized Optical Dormitory or GOOD for short.

JAVLIN

So the bad is located in the good.

FAMKE

I think there is a little bad in everything that's good.

JAVLIN

So do you think there is good in everything that's bad?

FAMKE

Oh there has to be. Look at the Holocaust. That was real bad, but it did turn the Germen economy around, which was good.

ALEC

See, this is why I didn't want to tell you the name of the building. I knew you would do this. Just because we are going to attack an organization named Bad and they are hiding out in a building called Good doesn't mean you have to make a joke about it. Can we get back to the mission? And I think you are closer than five feet missy?

Alec pulls out a measuring tape. Checks the distant.

Back up. Back up. Closer. Back up. There. Okay.

Alec doesn’t reel the tape measurer back in. It drops and he walks back to the table. After a moment Javlin doesn’t it for him. Alec interrupts his speech to say ‘Hello’ when it fully contracts.

ALEC (cont.)

We will be entering the south side of Said building. They are located on the third floor. Southeast corner office. We only expect 3 Bad agents in there. Back up will be waiting just Off Stage to take any prisoners. There are two ways into the office. Javlin and I will take the front entrance. Famke you take the rear exit. We get in there, take them out, and gather any information we can on their organization and current plans.

FAMKE

Do we know what their current plan is?

ALEC

Yes, they plan on destroying the Moon.

SCENE 2

Same set. 3 men on stage. General Koskov and two henchmen.

GENERAL KOSKOV

Goyle, Crabbe bring me my plans on destroying the Moon.

GOYLE

Crabbe get him the plans.

CRABBE

Where are the plans?

GOYLE

You don't know where the plans are?

CRABBE

No.

GOYLE

Why don't you know where they are?

CRABBE

I don't know. Do you know where they are?

GOYLE

No, that's why You are in charge of getting the plans.

CRABBE

Why am I in charge?

GOYLE

Cause you are good at getting the plans, but not anymore. Now, I am in charge.

CRABBE

Good, the pressure was to much for me. So what's the plan?

GOYLE

First, we get the plans. Then, we...that's it. We're done. So where are the plans?

They think for a moment.

CRABBE

What if we ask General Koskov?

GOYLE

And that is why you were in charge.

GOYLE AND CRABBE

TOGETHER

General Koskov...

KOSKOV

Do you have my plans?

TOGETHER

No.

KOSKOV

And why not?

TOGETHER

We don't know where they are.

KOSKOV

I left them in the other room on the table.

GOYLE

We were just in there. Why didn't you bring them?

KOSKOV

Just get me My Plans.

They both scurry out.

KOSKOV

Good help is so hard to find.

They come back with plans and put it on the table.

CRABBE

Got the plans sir.

KOSKOV

Now, does any know what the plan is?

GOYLE

We got the plans and that is where the plan ends.

KOSKOV

No, the plan is to destroy the Moon.

GOYLE

I hate the moon. Hate, hate, hate the moon.

CRABBE

Nothing good has come from the moon. What does the moon do for us?

GOYLE

Nothing. It is selfish. Stupid moon.

CRABBE

Moon rocks. The moon gives us moon rocks.

GOYLE

Oh yeah. The guy down the road sells moon rocks. Oh oh oh, cheese. We get cheese from the moon.

CRABBE

I didn't know that. Learned something new. I like the moon.

GOYLE

Me too. I love the Moon. Why are we destroying the moon?

KOSKOV

We are BAD. We do BAD. It is our mission statement. Destroying the Moon is bad. So we will destroy the moon.

Koskov starts to laugh, then Goyle and Crabbe joins in. This last for 30 seconds. At one point they all stop laughing then start up again.

CRABBE

What about cheese? We need cheese.

KOSKOV

That comes from cows.

GOYLE

And moon rocks?

KOSKOV

No, rocks you buy down the street come from down the street.

GOYLE

I hate the Moon.

CRABBE

Fuck you moon.

KOSKOV

That is why I am your leader. I know things you don't. The plan is not to actually destroy the moon. Destroying the Moon would cause Mass destruction and death. Plus the moon controls the tides and no moon means no waves, and no waves means no surfing. And we all know I love...

TOGETHER

Surfing!!

KOSKOV

And?

TOGETHER

Ice cream

KOSKOV

That's right.

CRABBE

(confused)

So the plan is to destroy the moon, but not destroy the moon?

KOSKOV

No, the plan is to build something that could destroy the moon, which we already have. Then threaten the world leaders, and have them pay us thirty forty million dollars. Then use that money to buy a beach with plenty of ice cream.

GOYLE

Sounds good. We don't want to be to greedy.

CRABBE

Oh no, greediness is bad. My mama always said that Greediness is cause by Las Vegas and one day it will blow up in a big green fiery ball of Envy.

KOSKOV

Crabbe, go to the other room.

CRABBE

Sure thing boss.

He runs off stage and comes right back.

I went to the other room just like you asked. What do you want me to do now?

KOSKOV

I want you to Stay in that other room.

CRABBE

Okay boss.

KOSKOV

Is he alright? I know he's always been a little off, but he seems particularly nutty today.

GOYLE

Crabbe nutty? Let me think. No he can't be nutty, he's only ate hamburgers this whole week.

SCENE 3

Same stage. Famke is looking at the plans. Javlin is Stage Right. She does not know that he is there. Famke starts to leave.

JAVLIN

Famke, wait. I want to talk to you.

FAMKE

What's up?

JAVLIN

We've been together for years now. Saved each other's lives countless times. We’ve seen everything that life and death has to offer. There is something that is bothering me.

FAMKE

Is it the burritos we had for lunch? They’re definitely bothering me.

JAVLIN

Maybe. No, it's when I asked you about being a double agent.

FAMKE

This again.

JAVLIN

It's not a joking subject. People's lives are at stake. We may get killed tonight cause of it. I need to know if...

Famke kisses Javlin. Javlin goes for a second kiss.

FAMKE

Stop right there. I would never betray you. Switching side would mean that one day I would have to leave you and that's something I never want to do.

JAVLIN

I know. That's why when we get back I want to take you to that little cottage in the woods of Minnesota.

FAMKE

Why? I said the next time I'll go there is when I get married.

JAVLIN

And you will be. Famke Green will you...

FAMKE

No, not before a mission. After. Ask me whatever you were going to ask me after.

JAVLIN

Deal.

Javlin offers hand for a handshake to seal the deal. Alec enters.

ALEC

Tic tock. The chopper is already to go. Five feet people.

Alec pulls out tape measuer threateningly.

ALEC (cont.)

Am I going to have to separate you to? Cause when we are knee deep in bullets and hand grenades flying everywhere, I do Not want to tell you to keep your distance. It's not that hard. Let's go.

Alec exits. Javlin starts to follow.

FAMKE

Javlin, whatever you were going to ask, whenever you ask it...the answer is yes.

JAVLIN

Let's go kick some BAD ass.

SCENE 4

Koskov and henchmen are looking at audience. Center stage.

KOSKOV

Leaders of the World. This is General Koskov, leader of BAD. Is everyone here? Translators? Good? Good. Germany? Trinidad? Where’s Tobago? Doesn’t matter. As many of you know, we have assembled a device capable of destroying the Moon, and not just any Moon, the Moon that goes around the Earth. As a demonstration of our power we will now destroy a smaller moon around Jupiter. Fire the device.

CRABBE

Device warming up. Got the target. Target is locked. Fire!...hmm I missed.

KOSKOV

What?

CRABBE

I missed. I don't know what to tell you. I missed.

GOYLE

You can't do anything right. Give me the controls. Got the target. Target is locked. Fire!!...hmm I missed too.

KOSKOV

Goddamn it. What's the problem? Why can't you hit the moon? It's not hard. You just point, click, and fire.

CRABBE

It's moving really fast.

GOYLE

And it's really small.

KOSKOV

Would you like to destroy something bigger?

CRABBE

Oh, that would be lovely.

GOYLE

Only if it's not an inconvenience.

KOSKOV

Oh no, no inconvenience. How about the sun? It's bigger.

CRABBE

Yeah that would work.

GOYLE

It's so much bigger. But don't we need the sun for light and...life?

KOSKOV

I am up here right now with you. If I go any higher I will smack your face off of your face. Just fire the fucking device at the sun? Do it. Do it now. Leaders of the World. We will now demonstrate the power of our Moon Blow-uper device by destroying the Sun.

CRABBE

Ah, sir.

KOSKOV

Is the sun destroyed?

CRABBE

No.

KOSKOV

Then why are you talking to me? Destroy the sun! Destroy the sun! Destroy the sun!

Koskov turns over the table.

CRABBE

That's just it sir. I can't. I fire the device and the laser went into the sun and nothing. I just shoot it. Bez pew pew. And nothing.

GOYLE

It's true sir.

KOSKOV

Leaders of the World. We apparently aren't capable of destroying the sun, but rest assured we can and Will destroy the Moon unless you pay us 45 million dollars.

GOYLE

I thought we were going for thirty. Forty-five seems a little greedy.

CRABBE

Oh, we don't want that. Let's just tell them we want 30. We made a mistake.

KOSKOV

The mistake was hiring you two. Will you stop interrupting me when I am talking to the world leaders. This call that I am making right here is expensive. Do you want to pay for it? Do you? I didn't think so. If you have something to say, say it after my 25 dollar a minute phone call... Where did they go? What happened to them?

CRABBE

Is the phone call over? Can we talk?

KOSKOV

Yes, it's over. What happened to them? Why is it over?

GOYLE

Well, when you were talking to us some of them started to laugh and screens went blank.

CRABBE

Yeah, and later, after what you said was translated to them some more people started to laugh then their screens went blank.

GOYLE

Did you say something that was funny? I'm not a good judge of comedy, but I didn't think it was funny.

CRABBE

Oh I am a good judge of comedy and I didn't think it was funny either. In fact, I thought it was down right mean.

KOSKOV

It was my fault. I shouldn't of had you destroy the sun. I should of had you destroy Mercury or Mars, something smaller. I just got ambitious and wanted the sun destroyed. Was that so wrong?

GOYLE

No, it was right. We just didn't have the power.

CRABBE

It was good. No wait, it was Bad cause we're BAD. You a very Bad man.

KOSKOV

How can this day get any worse?

Alec and Javlin enter stage left. Famke enters stage right.

ALEC

Hands in the air. You are all under arrest for attempted destruction of the Moon.

KOSKOV

Boys, get em.

Goyle and Crabbe attack Javlin and Alec. The fight is short. Goyle and Crabbe get subdued. Famke handcuffs Koskov to a chair. Javlin leads them off stage.

FAMKE

The game’s over Koskov.

KOSKOV

The game has only just begin. How do you think you found me so fast?

FAMKE

Wasn't to hard. That gaint disk looking thing out front was a good give away especially when it started shooting lasers out of it.

KOSKOV

Too obvious. Think more subtle.

FAMKE

Okay, well we tracked that call you placed to this office. We have copies of receipts for your equipment. Plus you placed a craigslist ad under jobs that said something like ‘Arch-villian looking for henchmen’ and you put this address.

KOSKOV

Those are all very good reasons, but not the one I was looking for. It is because I have an agent working for you.

FAMKE

Yes, I heard about that.

ALEC

I bet you have heard of it, cause you are it, Frampton Live in Concert. It all makes sense now. You take extend vacations all around the world. You drive a real nice car. You got a taste for the sweet life with Zack and Cody and wanted more. You didn't care about how you did it or who you hurt along the way. Botskis trained you well. You know how to get into a situation and steal a man. And if you'll steal a man, you're just a step away from stealing national secrets.

FAMKE

Stole a man? What are you talking about?

ALEC

Don't play naive with me sister. Javlin. He was mine before you came along. Every day we were together. Going on missions, lunches, and bathhouses with each other. Then you had to come along with your curves and breast and steal him away from me. Now I can only get him to come over for one football game on Sundays. He used to stay for all three.

FAMKE

That is why you've been such a dick to me for years. Cause you have a crush on my boyfriend?

ALEC

I don't have a crush. I love him. Do you love him?

FAMKE

You do realize that he is straight right?

ALEC

Well I always thought Jav was a 2 maybe a 3 on the Kinsey scale, but I was sure I could push him to a 4.

FAMKE

And that is why you were saying that I was a double agent, so you can, what, kill me and then steal my heterosexual boyfriend?

ALEC

The thought did cross my mind.

KOSKOV

I wasn't lying when I said I have an agent in your midst, and the agent is Alec. I was going to tell you sooner, but all that drama happened and it was so juicy I did not want it to stop.

ALEC

Now, you know everything. There is only one more thing to do.

Javlin enters.

ALEC (cont)

Put down the gun Fester. No, I will not switch sides with you. Don't make me fire.

Javlin runs and jumps in front of Famke in slow-mo. She grabs him and they fall to the floor.

FAMKE

Richard, Richard, are you okay? Speak to me.

JAVLIN

Yeah, I'm okay. I got my Kevlar on. So it just hurt really really bad.

FAMKE

But there's blood.

JAVLIN

That's my Campbell's Instant Tomato Soup. I was going to eat it on the flight back. Looks like I'm not going to now. It's cold, so cold. You'd think my body would of heated it a little, but it's so cold.

ALEC

This changes nothing. I still killed you...

Famke raises her gun and shoots Alec in the head.

FAMKE

When you want to kill someone, don’t talk, just kill.

Famke goes over to Javlin still laying on the ground. She picks him up.

JAVLIN

Famke, I’ve been thinking of getting out of the Spy business and getting into the making babies business. I’ve done it all, and now I want something more. We can start a chapter together called “You, Me, and the little Cottage in Northern Minnesota.”

FAMKE

Shut up and marry me.

Javlin carries Famke off stage.

KOSKOV

Typical, they come in here, wreck my place, and forget all about me.

Koskov starts to wheel over to Alex dead on the floor.

KOSKOV (cont)

You wouldn’t leave me, would you. I have something to tell you. I love you. If only you would of told me about watching football. I would of watched it with you. Alex Trevelyan, I have something to ask you. Will you marry me?

Koskov moves Alex’s mouth with his hand and answers for him.

KOSKOV (cont)

Yes, I will marry you. I think you are the coolest guy ever. You are so smart and evil. I want to be with you forever

KOSKOV (as himself)

Well, thank you. You are pretty cool too. We can record the football games on my BetaMax…

The previous can be improved. KOSKOV should continue speaking until the lights fade. Lights fade.

Act Two

An office. Same set as Act One can be used. The desk is tidy. All the papers are arranged neatly. Scott Trevelyan sits behind the desk. He is dressed professional. He is also Alex Trevelyan's identical twin brother, and his boss. He is reviewing papers and looking displeased. Javlin and Famke knock from off stage.

Scott

Enter.

Javlin and Famke enter.

Javlin

You wanted to see...Alex? I thought you were dead. Famke shot you!

Famke

Jav, this is Scott his brother.

Javlin

Sorry, boss, I always get you guys confused.

Scott

It is logical, we are identical twins after all. As you both are aware I am talking over Alex's department and field agents to determine what information he allowed to leak over to BAD. He was a BAD agent and I am ashamed to be his brother.

Javlin

You guys never did get along, did you?

Scott

I could tell from moment he pushed me in the womb to be born first that he was going to be bad, but I never thought that he would become a BAD agent. That's just...

Famke

Bad.

Scott

I was going to say treasonous, but yes it was bad., yet that is not the reason I called both of you in here today. What the hell happened during your last mission? It was a good mission. You go into the GOOD building and stop Bad from the evil plan. But some how you get my brother killed and let Koskov escape, and to top it all off you just disappear for two weeks to some cabinet in the woods of Northern Minnesota. So, what do you two have to say for yourselves?

Javlin

Well, after we quit we didn't think it mattered.

Scott

You quit! When did that happened?

Famke

Yes, but we want our jobs back.

Scott

How did you even get in the building?

Famke

No one else knew we quit apparently, so our key cards still worked.

Javlin

We're real sorry we let Koskov get away. Our bad. We thought the back-up off stage would of picked him up.

Famke

Yes, it turns out there was no back-up off stage, it was just something in the script and not really there.

Scott

So, you think just because you said “Our Bad” everything is okay and you can get your jobs backs?

Javlin

Yeah, saying “My Bad” means everything is okay. It's in the Geneva Convention, look it up.

Famke

Honey, no, that's not real.

Scott

Listen, I have to be honest here. I was calling both of you in here today to learn why you let Koskov go, then fire both of you, but since you quit that makes my job so much easier. Get off of my office, I never want to see either of you two again.

Famke

Scott, you don't want let us go?

Scott

And why not?

Javlin

Cause we got caught up in the moment.

Scott

That's the best you got.

Javlin

I got this, Fam. Scott or Alex or Ted or whoever you are. I am Dick Danger Javlin. I am the best spy there is. Forget Double Oh Seven, I am Double Oh...Better. I look better than you, I look better than her, I look better than anyone else out there. For that reason alone I should keep my job, but I'm going to give you more reasons. I am Passion, I am Raw, I am Emotion, I am Instinct. You weren't there in fighting Bad, you were here in the office. We were on the front lines when the shit went down. When your brother turned on you, on me, and Famke, and all of us. He shot me and ruined my Campbell's Instant Tomato Soup. He ruined that tux. But that's beside the point. He was my mentor for 5, 6 years. He trained me, it was like my father, then he turned out to be a traitor. How is that suppose to make you feel you? How? Then after I realized I wasn't dead, I realized that I wanted to live. I wanted to live with the women I loved, in the placed that I loved. Famke in a cottage in Northern Minnesota. Damn the consequences. She was going to be my new life. So, I'm sorry that we let Koskov get away, we caught him once, we can catch him again, but you will never capture two spies like us again.

Scott

Nice speech, so after having the life and woman you wanted, why do you want your jobs back?

Javlin

Have you ever lived in a cottage in Northern Minnesota? It's really boring.

Famke

And there are way too many bugs.

Scott

I think I understand. I am not saying what you two did was right. Koskov is our most notorious villain, but I understand. There comes a time in everyone's life when you suddenly realize that the person you love is the only person you will ever love or could ever love and you want to prove that love to them right then, right there. At least that is how it was with my wife.

Famke

How did you purpose?

Scott

Lebanon 1996. I was undercover. She was my informant. She isn't Lebanese but French.

Javlin

Oh la la.

Scott

Oh la la, indeed. Beautiful. 6”7 110lbs. B's, but they looked more like A breast. 30 inch legs, so she's mostly torso. They most gorgeous eyes, a little off set, but once I looked into them I knew that I never wanted to look into another set of eyes again. Oh, ba dunk a dunk ass. Just freakin huge, but I love it. Ah.

Scott sighs

Scott continue

She got captured and was going to be sold to a traveling circus. Well, I couldn't let that happen. I risked my cover and my life, and I broke into the whorehouse where she was being held. And preceded to slaughter everyone. It was a blood bath. I was literally soaked. I found her in the last room. Isn't it funny that it's always the last room? It's never the first room.

Javlin

Yeah, I've wondered that. It's never bam break into a building and boom first room you look it's the hostage you're searching for.

Famke

It's true, you always have to go searching the entire complex taking out guards as you go.

Scott

But of course, it has to be the last room, cause you aren't going to keep looking in rooms after you found them.

Javlin

Why would you, you found them?

Scott

I know, my point exactly. All I'm saying, one time I would like to break into a place and they be in the first room, or the second. Not the eighth or ninth or twelfth like it always is.

Famke

Well, Koskov, was in the first room.

Javlin

Yes, but he was a villain, not a hostage. Villains are always in the first few rooms, not the last few rooms. See, with villains you always know where they are, hostages are always kept hiden.

Famke

I wonder why that is?

Scott

Cause villains are always in the command center.

A collective ah from Javlin and Famke.

Scott continue

And that is why I am your boss. Anyway, as I was saying. I was soaked from head to toe in blood. And she was drenched from head to toe in sweat. I ran over to her, cut her chains, grabbed her and kissed her right then. We became so passionate that we made love right there, with the sweat and blood flying everywhere it was hot. Immediately after we went to the local priest and got married. I quickly finished my mission and we went on our honeymoon.

Famke

Where did you guys go?

Scott

Paris.

Famke

Slaps Javlin on the arm

Why didn't we go to Paris? No, I get bugs and beavers.

Scott

The point is, I finished my mission before I went on my honeymoon. You two did not.

Javlin

Oh, that was the point. Didn't really think there was one.

Famke

Scott, I know we missed up, but spying is our life. It is what we do. It's all we know how to do. You said Koskov is still out there, let us rejoin the team and capture him. It's in our blood. Yes, we got passionate and carried away, but you did too once, when you meet your wife. All we're asking for is a little understanding.

Scott

You say, you want to go after Koskov again?

Javlin

Yes.

Scott

And you won't let him go this time.

Famke

Not a chance.

Scott

It's not going to be easy.

Famke

The harder the better.

Scott

It's going to be dangerous.

Javlin

Danger is my middle name.

Scott

I walked right into that way, didn't I?

Famke

I do it all the time.

Scott

Alright, you both in. Welcome back, it's good to have you Spies.

Javlin

Now, do we know where Koskov is or what he has been doing since our last encounter?

Scott

Yes, due to your last mission is that the Business of Advancing Destruction or B.A.D., is not longer around.

Famke

That's good.

Scott

No, it is not. Koskov has joined a even bigger more evil organization. The World Organization of Radical Superstitious Evil or W.O.R.S.E.

Javlin

So Koskov has gone from BAD to WORSE.

Famke

My god.

Scott

Exactly.

Javlin

Well, we need to stop him before he comes up with another plan.

Scott

It's too late, according to our intelligence he already has a new plan, one that is even more sinister than the last.

Famke

What could that possibility be?

Scott

He plans on melting the polar ice caps.

Cast List:

Richard Danger Javlin—Male

Alec Trevelyan—Male

Famke Green—Female

General Koskov—Male

Crabbe—Male or Female

Goyle—Male or Female

Props:

3 Guns (Javlin, Famke, Alec)

Random papers (on desk first scene)

Tape Measurer (Alec)

Plans (Blueprints for both Alec and Koskov)

Device for Moon blow-uper (Crabbe)

Set:

Table

Two chairs