We All Spy:
The New Years Threat
Scott is at a table looking at files. Javlin walks
in.
Scott
Ah, good Javlin you have arrived. Good, good.
Javlin
Did you have a good Christmas?
Scott
Shitty, all I wanted was for my mother in law to get
hit by a bus? And did that happen?
Javlin
I’m assuming not.
Scott
Nope. I even paid off two bus drivers to do it. That
bitch can dodge. Anyway, I got the new intel on Koskov.
Javlin
Really? I thought he was done.
Scott
Nope, somehow he eludes capture every time. Alright,
you remember how he was with the Business of Advancing Destruction, or B.A.D. for short.
Javlin
Right, he was Bad.
Scott
Well apparently, he has gone from BAD to WORSE.
Javlin
I don’t follow.
Scott
He is now a part of the World Organization of Really
Super Evil. Or WORSE for short.
Javlin
My god. That is the most evil…evil doers there
are.
Scott
Well, actually the Every Vile Insidious Lies or EVIL
for short is slightly more evil technically speaking.
Javlin
Right, I always forget about them. So, what is Koskov
up to? Trying to blow up the moon or plugging the worlds volcanoes?
Scott
According to Intel, he has found a lover, and is planning
his biggest evil plot yet to impress her.
Javlin
What kind of women would ever be able to love him?
Scott
Well, I believe she is Republican.
Famke enters
Famke
Now boys, not all Republicans are inherently evil.
Javlin
Yes, I forgot that you were one for most of your life.
Hello love.
Famke
Hello to you too, my love.
They kiss.
Scott
People, get a room. Don’t make me impose the
5 foot rule.
Javlin
Scott, you know that rule is stupid and
Famke
And bullshit. Why do we have to be 5 feet apart just
cause we are dating.
Scott
It’s not my rule, and maybe cause you two make
out constantly in the office. We are Spies, not teenagers. I have the tape measurer right here, don’t make me use it.
Famke
Whatever, can we just get back to Koskov.
Scott
Right. Koskov has been seen with a mysterious new woman.
Javlin
What makes her so mysterious?
Scott
She comes from Mystious Lane.
Famke
Ah, she’s a desperate housewife.
Scott
Not any more. Now she is a happy Arch villainess.
Javlin
Every evil womans dream.
Scott
Right, and as such she is demanding a show of Koskov’s
love.
Javlin
What kind of show? What is Koskov planning on doing?
Scott
It is uncertain. But as of now, we think he plans on
Stealing New Year’s.
Scene 2
Koskov and Ann Coulter are sitting on a bench. They
are snuggling.
Koskov
I love you funny honey bunny sunny dunny.
Ann
I love you teddy beary dairy weary.
Koskov
Hasn’t these last few months just been the most
magical ever.
Ann
Agreed. I find really comfort in your arms. You complete
me.
Koskov
Ahhh.
Ann
Ahhh.
They kiss inappriotately.
Ann
What has been your favorite thing we have done?
Koskov
Well, I really liked setting that retirement home on
fire.
Ann
That was fun. Starting that genocide in Rwanda wasn’t
too bad either.
Koskov
I forgot about that. That was a good time. Don Cheadel
should really thank us for that.
Ann
I know! It’s too bad he didn’t win Best
Actor.
Koskov
Remember when we put Ecoli in Portland’s water
system?
Ann
Yeah, we should of done more. It didn’t really
stick. So our one 38th week anniversary is coming up.
Koskov
Don’t think I haven’t forgotten.
Ann
It’s kinda a big deal. I want something big.
Something that I can go to the GOP and brag about.
Koskov
Well, I had something in mind.
Ann
What is it?
Koskov
I don’t want to say.
Ann
You can tell me.
Koskov
It’ll ruin the surprise.
Ann
I want to know. Plus if it sucks, you can change it.
But it won’t suck, it’ll be perfect cause it’s from you. So what is it?
Koskov
I don’t want to say.
Ann
Tell me.
Koskov
No, I don’t want to say.
Ann
Come on, tell me
Koskov
No
Ann
God damn it, just fucking tell me.
Ann is choking Koskov
Koskov
Alright, I forget what kind of Kung Fu grip you have
on those hands. Well, you know New York.
Ann
Yeah…
Koskov
You know what Holiday is coming soon?
Ann
Thinks for a second
New Year’s…
Koskov
Do you know what’s in Times Square during New
Year’s?
Ann
You’re not.
Koskov
I might.
Ann
You couldn’t.
Koskov
I might be. Depends on what you think I might be doing.
Ann
You are going to kidnap Dick Clark, so we can make
him do tricks.
Koskov
What kind of tricks would you have Dick Clark do?
Ann
I don’t know, maybe count down America’s
Top 40.
Koskov
No, wasn’t planning on doing that, but we should
do that sometime. Sounds like fun.
Ann
I know right. So what were you planning on doing?
Koskov
I thought and I thought about what is the most evil
thing I could do, then it hit me. The ball that drops in Times Square every New Year’s.
Ann
You are going to fill it with sinnide gas, so when
it gets to zero, it’ll release killing everyone in Times Square.
Koskov
No, but good idea. I love you.
Ann
I love you too. Okay okay, what are you going to do
to the ball.
Koskov
I am going to steal it and hold New Year’s hostage!
Ann
What? That doesn’t make sense. You can’t
hold New Year’s hostage.
Koskov
Oh, but I can. Little do people know that the ball
dropping is what actually makes the New year happen. A ball has dropped since the dawn of the calendar. If the ball never
drops, then the new year can never happen. And people will be partying everyday cause they will think that it is New year’s
eve. The entire world will be stuck in 2009.
They both start laughing evilly.
Scene 3
Famke and Javlin are training in a Mr and Mrs Smith
style ie like the end of the movie. All lines are delievered as if they are fighting and shooting at people.
Famke
Do you remember when we first got married and our plan
was to quit the spy game and raise a family?
Javlin
I remember that. I also remember that that suburban
life wasn’t for us. Minivans and PTA meetings, no thank you.
Famke
I’m not saying that it is, but do you think we’ll
ever just want a normal life.
Javlin
Babe, you remember the movie Tombstone.
Famke
Yeah.
Javlin
Then you’ll remember Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday
saying “There is no normal life, Wyatt, there’s just life.”
Famke
Okay, I see your point.
Javlin
This is our normal life. It’s a good life. We
stop evil doers. You know how impressive that is at High School reunuions.
Famke
Pretty damn impressive, I know. But what about starting
a family. Do you ever want that?
Javlin
Babe, you are my family, you know that. What is causing
all of this? Do You want to quit for real this time?
Famke
No, I’ve just been thinking about it and all.
Javlin
I don’t know about having kids right now, but
I do know that I would like to try every night, some nights twice.
They stop and kiss. Scott enters.
Scott
5 feet people!
Javlin
Enough with that rule.
Famke
We are professional Spies. We should be able to be
within 5 feet of each other.
Scott
You would think so, but every time you two are, you
making out, and quite frankly it’s gross. I don’t like enforcing the rule any more than you do, but every time
I turn around you two are lip locked. Now Famke back up. More more more come closer. Good.
Famke
Scott, why are you even here?
Scott
I have the mission briefing. We need to go over it,
so we can stop Koskov and his sinister new lover Ann Coulter.
Javlin
That is what I was hoping for.
Scott places plans on the floor.
Scott
We knew Koskov was planning something big, we just
didn’t know hope big.
Famke
You said he was planning on stealing New Year’s,
how?
Javlin
Yeah, how can you steal a calendar event?
Scott
That is what we were wondering about too. Turns out
it is possible in one place.
Javlin
Don’t tell me he is planning on kidnapping Dick
Clark. How would we know when to count down from ten to zero without him?
Famke
Jave, baby, Dick Clark is getting old. He’s not
going to be around forever. Ryan Seacrest is going to have to start doing it eventually.
Scott
That’s where you are wrong Famke. Dick Clark
only has to do it for two more years.
Famke
Why?
Scott
Cause of 2012 and the Mayans. The world ends in 3 years.
Famke
That’s right I forgot silly me. It is fact. So
getting back, if he is not stealing Dick Clark, then how?
Scott
He is going to steal the Times Square countdown ball.
Javlin
If he steals the ball, there can’t be a countdown,
and if there is no countdown, then there is no new year.
Scott
Exactly.
Famke
We have to stop him then. How much time do we have?
Scott
Not much, new years is almost upon us. Now we know
he is at Ann Coulters secret hide out.
Javlin
The Bush ranch in Crawford Texas?
Scott
Bingo. We were too late in preventing him from stealing
the ball, we might have enough time to get back the ball and restore it to it’s proper place.
Famke
Sounds like a plan.
Scott
Now suit up and meet me in the helicopter, we leave
in 5
Scott exits. Famke begins to leave as well.
Javlin
Fam, wait. Maybe you are right. Maybe it is time to
start a family. It’d be nice to have a little Javlin running around. I could get another super cool job like maybe be
a Superhero.
Famke
You’re cute. You don’t have super powers
though.
Javlin
Neither does Batman or Ironman and they are still superheroes.
Gosh!
Scene 4
The Crawford Ranch. Koskov and Ann are in an empty
room. The ball, if we can find a giant ball, is on stage.
Koskov
We did it snuggle wuggle buggle.
Ann
We sure it. So now what?
Koskov
Now, we call the world leaders and demand money.
Ann
Oh, how much do you think we can get?
Koskov
8 million dollars!
Ann
Really that’s it?
Koskov
8 million is still a lot of money.
Ann
I know, but we spent like 10 million just to get the
ball. Shouldn’t we ask for at least that?
Koskov
Ann, I am not in the evil business to make money. I
am in the evil business to do evil. It is the WORSE’S motto.
Ann
I forgot the WORSE motto. Do evil for evil’s
sake.
Koskov
Plus, it’s just a ball. They can build another
one. Trust me, you don’t want to come off as greedy. You want to make the ransom something they can afford.
Ann
I have so much to learn from you.
Koskov
Oh, you teach me things everyday too!
They kiss inappriotately.
Ann
So, how do we contact them?
Koskov
It’s easy. I got most of them on my Verizon’s
Circle of Friends. They should be coming up now. You can see them on the video screen.
Ann
Oh I’m so excited.
Koskov
I always am too. Shhh, they’re coming online.
Ladies and Gentlement Leaders of the World. This is General Koskov, WORSE leader. You may remember me from our previous encounter
when I tried to blow up the Moon! Well now, I have hatched a new plan. An even more sinister and evil plan. Unless you give
me 8 million dollars I am going to steal New Year’s…
What?...
Yeah kinda like how the Grench stole Christmas, but
I’m stealing New Year’s.
Ann
No, it’s nothing like that. Tell them you aren’t
the Grench.
Koskov
Honey, daddy’s working. Ladies and Gentlemen
of the world. I am not the Grench. I am like the Grench times…a thousand.
Ann
Tell them how you stole it. It won’t make sense
to them, unless you tell them how. They’ll think you’re just making it up.
Koskov
Pokey bear, I know how to speak to world leaders. I’ve
done it before. Now be quiet and let me do my thing. Deal?
Ann
Deal.
Koskov
Leaders of the…where did they go?
Ann
Sorry honey, when you called me pokey bear, they started
to laugh, then the screen went blank.
Koskov
God damnit. That’s the second time that’s
happen. How can this day get any worse?
Scott, Javlin, and Famke enter
Scott
Hands up Koskov. The game’s over. You are under
arrest for Grand Theft Balls.
Koskov
Not this time. Yohhei come.
Yohhei enters
I want you to meet my newest eviltee, Mecha Yohhei!
Yohhei attack!
A fight ensues. All cast members are fighting. Mecha
Yohhei gets defeated and Koskov and Ann lose as well.
Famke
You lose Koskov.
Koskov
Not so fast. Aren’t you wondering how you new
the secret location of the hideout?
Famke
Really? No. Koskov, everything you do, you put on Twitter.
Let me read your last tweat. Just stole ball, going back to secret hideout in Crawford ranch.
Koskov
Very good, but not good enough. I have a spy working
for you.
Scott
That’s right Famke, I like my brother before
me is a double agent working for Koskov. Only this time, something is different. I am really a double double agent.
Collective
What?
Scott
I was only pretending to be a double agent for Koskov.
So really a was non double agent…or well what is it called when you are a double agent, but not really a double agent?
Ann
Then you are just an agent.
Scott
That’s lame. I wasn’t being a special agent.
Javlin
Nope, are the ones that ride the short bus.
Scott
Oh, so they are “special” agents. Gotcha.
Ann
Enough of this.
Ann grabs Scotts gun and shots at Famke. Javlin
screams No and dives in front of Famke in slow mo.
Famke
You bitch!
Famke punches Ann. Ann and Koskov are escorted off
stage by Scott. Famke goes to Javlin holding his head. Javlin is still for a moment.
Speak to me, baby. Speak to me.
Javlin coughs
Javlin
I’m okay. I was wearing my Kevlar so it just
hurts really really badly.
Famke
You had me so worried.
Javlin
Babe, I don’t know why. I always wear my Kevlar
when I go into combat situations. Why would I not? Don’t you wear it?
Famke
Not if it doesn’t go with my outfit.
Javlin
Fam, safety before fashion in combat. Silly girl. Here
help me up. You know, I think I would make a great dad. We should have kids.
Famke
Oh shut up and impregnate me.
Lights fade
THE END!
