I.F.H. MONDAYS
Scene 1
Open with Dick and Steele. Dick is in the plug
Steele is down stage right. Looking up a dick. Bare stage
Dick
That is a little gay.
Steele
Not really. A mouth is a mouth. Look all it would
be is one person giving another person a blow job on a daily basis.
Dick
How is that not gay? Or has your lack of sex made
your brain go to mush like your flabby ass body, you girly man. You are the one with man boobs. I offered to buy you a bro
for your birthday, but someone thought That was a little gay. Now that same someone wants me to give him a blow job on a daily
basis.
Steele
Dude, okay it's a little gay, but it mainly more
gay for you then it is for me. For me it's just a mouth around my penis until I give you a money shot. For you, it's a little
gay. Actually it's completely gay, but doesn't matter for two reasons. One, it doesn't matter if it's gay. It's Portland,
no one cares. So you suck my cock that doesn't make you gay. It makes you...Portlandish. Two, Don't be so selfish. I rarely
get blowjobs. What man alive would not like a blowjob on a daily basis? Every man would. You would be doing be a huge solid.
And it would give you something to live for. You would be living for the pleasure of another. At least it do that. Give you
a reason to live. Cause quite frankly I don't see any other reason for you to not kill yourself.
DICK
Let me get this straight, Steele. You are “Suppose”
to be my best friend and the only reason you can come up with for me to not jump off of this building is me being gay with
your man meat. And living to make you happy.
STEELE
Basically yeah.
DICK
Whose the dick now?
STEELE
You are the dick, Dick. You are a dick, and your
name is Dick. That's why I'm the only one out here. So quite dicking around and jump already. I don't have all day.
DICK
At least I don't have a 12yr Asian boy dick.
STEELE
Fucking christ. Things were going well for you
before the Monday meeting. If I was you, I would jump. It would put such a relief for the rest of us.
DICK
The Monday Freaking Morning Meeting. I fucking
hate those meetings. IFH Mondays. I fucking hate Mondays. Not ever having to live through another Monday. Would be the reason
to do.
STEELE
That and you lost your job, your girlfriend, your
therapist, your car. Your a country song man, end it
DICK
I fucking hate...
SCENE 2
Office sitting. DICK and STEELE have desk. A phone,
Computer
BOSS WHETON office is the plug. She has a desk
as well.
There is a table for a water cooler.
DICK
Mondays.
STEELE
I know you say it all the time. Did you see the
video of where they are making fun of Fridays and David Spade is in it.
DICK
Very funny. I love it when people are pricks to
others. When they are flipping off the customers and singing happy birthday. Classic
STEELE
You love it cause you are one of those people,
except they are funnier than you.
DICK
You're a towel. I am the funniest person, Oh. Hi
Andy this is Dick from Columbia Brokerage. I am calling today cause you were looking for some Health Insurance...yeah....well
let me get some information from you so I know I am giving you an accurate quote. What is your date of birth?...Jan 3, 19...okay.
How tall are you?...6'3” and how much do you weight?...I'm sorry...You weight 340. Wow, you are huge. I have to be honest
with you here. You are not insurable. In 2014 you will be, but for now no insurance company is going to take your fat ass...Why?
Well to be blunt you would not fit in a hospital bed, you wouldn't fit in a hospital wing. How do you even fit out of your
door? Are you sure you are not Gilbert Grape's mom? ….Am I finished?...Almost. What do you even do for work? Provide
shade for the western states...
Yes insurance is a transfer of risk. With you there
is no risk. There is only certainty. At your wieght, if you don't already you will get diabetes, high blood pressure, and
will have a heart attack and die. All you will do is cost the insurance company money. They don't want to insure people like
you. They want to insure people like me. Healthy people that don't ever need to it except for a doctor visit. So stop wasting
my time and go eat another Krispy Kreme store. I hate uninsurable people. They are such a waste of my time.
Hungs up
DICK
continue
Just got an email that the
family dog just died. Got hit by a truck. He was 15 years old. He was my best friend. When I was younger I didn't have any
friends.
STEELE
Shocking.
DICK
Not anymore shocking than your
mom wishing you were a load she should of swallowed. Anyway. It says here that the truck drive didn't notice and dragged him
for 2, no, 20 miles before he noticed.
STEELE
What twenty miles before they?
Hi, Roy. Steele from Columbia Brokerage. How you doing?...So we got the results back from Humana and they are denying your
children. Due to their build. I had it complete BS. I am looking at a chart that for another company and they are well in
range. They said that their build charts are different. So at this point we have a few options. We can put them on a plan
with your wife. You can call Humana...you already did? What did they say?...Yeah see that's what they told us. We have been
fighting them for a few days and they are sticking with it. So there is this option. I'm in Oregon. You are in Virginia. Humana
is in Texas. That is right in between both of us. If you want, and this is what I suggest we do. Is we meet up at Humana and
go on a punching spree. It won't make them accept your kids, but it will make us feel better...Okay, I'll see you in a week.
DICK
You are just wasting your time
with that one.
STEELE
He's a cool person. I like
him. I just try to do everything I can for my clients.
DICK
You have to stop having clients
and start having customers. Not one of your clients know who you are or gives a shit. You are like the guy at 7-11 with a
weird growth on the side of the face. You are the growth. If it ever went away. No one would notice.
STEELE
You sell the way you want to
sell and I will sell my way.
DICK
Well your way sucks. You are
the snowball salesmen in Alaska and I am the snow cone salesmen in Vegas. We are selling the same thing but I am making way
more money than you. That is why I am a Tier 1 Commision and you have Tier 4. For every thousand you make I make four thousand.
STEELE
Here comes Boss lady. Opt Monday
Morning Meeting.
DICK
Fucking hate money morning
meetings. They are so lame and so boring.
BOSS
Hi everyone. Looking at the
numbers. Last week was okay. We almost hit our mark of a 135 apps with 120 apps. Not so bad. We have a winner in the contest
for last week. The person with the most apps would win this bag. And the winner is Dick with 15 apps. Good job. Everyone that
is one hard working Dick.
DICK
Suck it bithces. Don't cha
wish you had apps like me. Don't cha. Don't cha.
BOSS
Good Dick. Now sit down. As
we all know Health Care Reform is coming in 2014 and every day it seems like something is different. This came to us from
all of the major health care providers. They are changing the way they pay commissions.
GWYNNE
That's good honey. I'm proud
of you. We can take it floating with us.
DICK
Shut your cockhole. I'm listening.
It's important. This is my lively hood she is talking about.
BOSS
They are going from a full
advance to as earned.
DICK
Wait, what does that mean?
BOSS
It means when you sell a policy
for 200 a month instead of making 300 in commission you will make 20 a month, but you will get that 20 a month for as long
as they have the policy.
DICK
That's bullshit.
BOSS
That;s the way it is. But don't
worry. We have a plan. We are going to start focusing on people who are uninsurable. This plan pays the full advance and has
a good price point. That is all. Come talk to me in my office if you have further questions.
BOSS EXITS
GWYNNE
That will change everything.
DICK
Some of the things you say
are just dumb.
STEELE
I think it could be good. No
charge backs and your renewals get huge after a few months. You look nice today Gywnne.
DICK
She looks like she's a whore
who dressed up to make it look it she is not one, but everyone can tell she's really a whore. Love you.
GYWNNE
Thanks, Steele. Sometimes the
things that come out of your mouth is like vomit to the ears.
DICK
When you don't shave it is
like vomit to the eyes and mouth and butt.
STEELE
To be fair Dick. When you take
off your vomit, the vomit that you just vomited, would want to vomit itself.
GYWNNE
Good one.
STEELE
Thanks Gwynny.
DICK
Watch it man, she hates it
when people call her Gwynny.
GYWNNE
It's cute when he says it.
DICK
Don't you have an app to fax
or a phone to answer?
GWYNNE
I'll fax your app.
DICK
What? That doesn't even make
sense.
GWYNNE
Neither does your face. Oh
sick burn.
GYWNNE EXITS
DICK
I have this customer calling
in from Texas. The commission will be great. There's just one thing.
STEELE
What?
DICK
Well. Only two things come
from Texas. Steers and queers and he sure don't Sound like a steer.
The commission from this sale
will be all Lingerie Parlor money.
STEELE
How can you justify going there
when you have a hot girlfriend?
DICK
Well for one she doesn't get
as freaky as I like. Two, missing around with a whore doesn't count as cheating. Whores aren't real people they are just places
where your penis goes when you have a few Franklins to burn.
STEELE
Where do you even get your
logic?
DICK
Fox News. What? I got another
email saying that my apartment was being fumigated when they found 4 hornets nest. I can't go back home for a month and I
still have to pay rent. I lost my dog and my apartment today. What is going on today?
STEELE
Lose one more thing and you
will be a country song.
DICK
Lose one more thing and you
will be a country song.
KNOCK ON BOSS DOOR. GWYNNE
ENTERS
BOSS
Big news today.
GYWNNE
That was crazy. I don't know
how the agency will take it.
BOSS
How do you think Dick is taking
it?
GYWNNE
Not to well.
BOSS
That's good.
GYWNNE
Why?
BOSS
I have to fire him.
GYWNNE
But he is like the top producer.
BOSS
No offense Gywnne, but he is
a dick.
GYWNNE
No, he is .
BOSS
It's all the people who come
up into my office complaining about him. We are streamlining here. Some of the people have to go. It's tough decisions. You
can't tell him naturally. But on the plus side we are promoting you to Costumer Service Manager
GYWNNE
You are what?
BOSS
Promoting you. You deserve
it Gywnne. You work harder than anyone else here and you have a good attitude.
LIGHTS FADE ON BOSS AND GYWNNE.
UP ON DICK AND STEELE
DICK
You are what? Why? That's bullsit.
How am I causing you to seek therapy? This is BS.
STEELE
What's going on?
DICK
My
therapist is dropping me. That is the 6th one
I have lost. She said that I made her lose her faith in humanity.
STEELE
She told you that?
DICK
She is not the first therapist
to say it as well.
STEELE
Why are you even going anyway?
DICK
Court Ordered duh
STEELE
From the time that you...
DICK
I did not try and kill myself.
If I tried it would be by taking a nail gun to the heart and dying like John Travolta in Broken Arrow. Nuclear warhead to
the chest. But I am committing suicide. A slow painful one with this woman.
GWYNNE
Boss wants to see you.
DICK
Boss can wait. What was that?
GWYNNE
What?
STEELE
We didn't do anything.
DICK
I saw it. That look and kissing
sound.
GWYNNE
Well,
STEELE
We are sleeping together
GWYNNE
It's true. Have been for a
while now.
DICK
You are...
Phone rings. It is the client
he was talking about
DICK
continue
Really? Now.
Looks at phone and people.
Deciding what to do. Picks up the phone
This is Dick from Columbia
Brokerage. Hi, Sue. You want to get started on the insurance. And the 700 a month is fine. Okay. Well I need to transfer you
to the customer service and they will take your application.
Gwynne exited when Dick pick
up the phone.
He hangs up and there is an
awkward silence.
DICK
WTF man. I am your best friend.
STEELE
You cheat on her all the time.
And treat her like shit
DICK
I already explained what I
do is not cheating. And Bros before Hoes man,
STEELE
We aren't really bros. The
only time we hang out outside of work is when Gwynne is around, and I am really just hanging out with Gwynne.
DICK
Whatever man. I'm seeing what
Boss wants. I am watching you man.
Eye point to eye point
Dick enters Boss office
BOSS
Ah Dick. Well there is no easy
way to say this. You are fired.
DICK
How is that possible? I can
your best producer.
BOSS
You are a disturbance to the
others around you. The money you cost the company in complains out weight the money you make.
DICK
Who is complaining
BOSS
I'm not really at liberty to
say.
DICK
If people are causing me to
be fired I deserve the chance to defend myself against them.
BOSS
MacFarlene
DICK
He is retarded. He thinks that
Phoenix is in Texas. Doesn't count. Next
BOSS
Healy
DICK
She sleeps with everything
that moves. I turned her down and she hates me for that. Next
BOSS
Melton
DICK
He is a drunk. I see where
these are going. I am going to over rule your decision and say I am not fired. I am going back to my desk and working. Good
day to you.
Dick walks back to his desk.
Sits down like nothing happen
STEELE
What did Boss want?
DICK
First Judas, don't speak to
me right now. Second, she said I was fired, but I am a W-9 employee. I am an independent contractor. She can't fire me only
I can. Now if you exuse me I need to listen to my message....Why did Toyota call me? Hmm they are recalling my car saying
that it will blow up at any second. I need coffee.
Dick walks over to the coffee
stand
There is no cream
DICK
continue
No cream. There is no god damn
cream. What the fuck? I can't take it anymore. I am going to the Roof and jumping. I fucking hate...
Cut to Boss Office. Gwynne
enters
GWYNNE
Boss, Dick has lost it and
is going to the roof to jump.
BOSS
Okay. Let me doing some figuring
will quick. If he jumps, he still is technically on payroll, So his Group Life insurance will pay out. Costing us $10,000.
If he lives, then his health insurance, unemployment, the other complains, hiring someone at a lower commission rate, will
cost us $5,000.
Hmm, no I am okay with him
jumping.
Scene 3
DICK
Mondays
GWYNNE
Dick, Dick wait. I have to tell you something
DICK
What? You want to come back to me.
GWYNNE
No, don't land on my car. I just got a new paint job.
DICK
Good bye. Good bye cruel world. Look out Jesus, you got one big angry Dick coming
at you.
