Gymnastics floor. Eboni is on stage She is doing a floor exercise.Really bad. She is really proud of it. Announcer is talking duringperformance.

Bella

Hello and welcome tothe 29^th Olympics in Beijing. I am Bella Lagrouse. Webegin tonight with the floor exercise. Up first is Eboni Van Saltfrom Jamaica. Jamaica never have had someone compete in thiscompetition. In fact it looks like they never have had anyone competein the Olympics. Looks like we are making Olympic history tonightwith this routine. Eboni currently is going to school at theUniversity of West Linn in Oregon where they surprisingly don't havea gymnastics program. So this will be interesting to watch. She isstarting now. let's see what she can do.

Eboni starts routine.

She begins with anice twirl. Floor Exercise can be very exciting if done right. Nowshe is going to start her acrobatics. When the body twist in the airwith the ribbon it truly is a beautiful site. A somersault!A somersault! What the fuck! Pardon mylanguage, but what the hell? Now another one. She had better startdoing something grand. This is the Olympics, not her backyard. Weexpect more from these athletes. Now she is just twisting around likea mad man. She is preparing for what I understand is a forward 3 1/2twist with a back hand spring. What! What was that! She is justpathetic. Okay, what is this? She is just rolling around. I ambeginning to think that she never even has seen this sport. These arereally athletes that spend years training for this moment. Sheprobably spent three minutes doing this. She is spinning. Spinning.Spinning. Looks like she is getting dizzy. Oh she fell down. Andshe's done apparently. Thank God. No don't smile. don't bow. Get offthe floor. Just go. She is not going to do well. Her scores arecoming in. didn't take long for the judges to judge this one. Lookslike she averaged .5's and 1's. Too high in my opinion.

Eboni leaves. She is proud of herself.

We will now take ashort break for commercials. When we return I will be interviewing afew Athletes from different sports in the games, including,unfortunately, Eboni who we just saw. Maybe I can find out what thehell she was thinking.

Lights Fade. Yelps enters.

Yelps

I'm Yelps and I swim like every day. When I am not swimming I amwearing Nikes, which is like one hour a day. They're cool and freefor me, but not you. When I am swimming sometimes I use them ascanoes for squirrels. Nike

Natasha enters

Natasha

I am having outbreak for genital herpes butyou would not know it. When my kush kush itches which is every day Iuse Valtrex and it stops. So I had make more fuck.

Becky enters

Becky

I get up at 5:30 in the morning to train but the second McDonald'sopens I am there to buy their new Chicken Breakfast Sandwich.

She takes bite of sandwich and gags.

Yum. Chicken for breakfast.

Hands sandwich to Yelps. He eats it. Eboni enters

Eboni

Is your husband cheating on you? Having money troubles? Want to knowif you will get that promotion. Call me today for your free reading.

Blackout. Bare stage. Only 5 chairs. One is set away from theothers. Bella is center. Yelps, cocky swimmer stoner BMX. BeckyLunkin, dating Yelps,swimmer are to his left. Natasha Spring, Russian, High Jump andwhore. Eboni, Jamaican, Gymnastics floor, real hyper and happy, areto his right.

Bella Lagrouse

Welcome to OlympicGold with Bella Lagrouse. I am here with 4 remarkable

Looks at Eboni.

3 remarkable athletes. They represent the pride and joy of theirnations. Yelps here is going for a record 15 medals in these games.Something that has never been done before. Becky Lunkin is swimmingin a number of meets and is Dating Yelps. Natasha Spring is competingin the High Jump. Amazing when you consider that everyone else in thecompetition is at least 6 inches taller than her and 2 cup sizessmaller. And finally we have Eboni. Who we just saw in a…routine.let's start with the Golden Boy, Yelps.

Yelps

Bella, glad to behere with you for the millionth time. Always a pleasure.

Bella

Um, Yelps this isthe first time we have met.

Yelps

What? you're high.

Bella

No, sorry.

Yelps

I must be high then. Crazy man just crazy. Honey, what was thatinsane Chinese drug we took?

Becky

Ginseng.

Yelps

Ginseng Five

Becky

Ginseng Five

Every time a Five is mentioned. It is a High Five between Yelpsand Becky. If a High Five is given, it is law to Yelps. He must obeyit.

Yelps

That stuff is intense.

Bella

Surely you're kidding. You are not on any drugs. All athletes areprohibited from all foreign substances.

Yelps

Well duh. I don't do drugs. Drugs are for losers. But I do smoke ahella lot of pot.

Bella

I heard you were a kidder. You do know that pot is a drug.

Yelps

No, it's not. it's a plant like the tomato. It comes from the ground.Duh! God put it on this earth to smoke.

Bella

That may be so, but it is still illegal for athletes to have in theirsystem.

Yelps

What? That's crazy man. Well, we can just edit this out of theinterview in post?

Bella

No, we can't. We are live.

Yelps

Now, I know you are high! Of course we are live. I didn't think wewere dead. Baby doll this guy is tripping me out.

Becky

Cutesy, he is saying that we are live. Not A live. The cameras areshowing the interview as we speak. See the red light. That meanspeople are watching us right now in their homes and in this studioaudiences

Becky waves to audience. Smiles

Yelps

Ohh

(Mouths)

Fuckkk.

Bella you should talk to someone else. I'm good for now. Just go on.Come back to me later.

Bella

Becky, what is it like dating someone that has the eyes of not justAmerica, but the whole world on them?

Becky

You know, I am competing in these Olympics as well. I just don't dateYelps.

Bella

I am well aware of it. So where did you meet?

Becky

I am expected to medal in several events. I set the world record inmy heat earlier today. Why not ask me about that?

Bella

I would but no one really cares about that. All they care about isthe gossip, the drama, the dirt. So what is he like in bed? Best?Worst? Scale of 1 to 10.

Yelps

I can answer that and from a scale of 1 to 10 the answer is amazing.Just like everything else I do.

Becky

Honey bear, he was talking to me. If I must answer on a scale of 1 to10, I would say about a 7.5.

Yelps

Poopsey-kins!

Becky

You don't, you know, much anymore.

Yelps

No, I do not know.

Becky

You know

Yelps

Snuggle bunny. Then if I know why don't you tell me. So I will knowagain.

Becky

You know…lick the envelope. You use to do it until I…deliveredthe mail at least three times. Now there is no foreplay.

Natasha

Oh honey. I feel you. Men can be so selfish. All they care about isgetting off. it's like all need is place for penis. Yelps, she is notjust a hole. She is a Woman. Hear her roar! She needs off as much asyou. Probably more.

Becky

Thanks.

Yelps

Lick the envelope? What are you talking about? Oh wait, do you meaneating you out? I eat you out all the time. I love your fish tacos.

Becky

When? When was the last time you did it?

Yelps

Gummy bear, don't put me on the spot like this. How I am suppose toknow that? I don't know. Oh last night I went down on you.

Becky

That was not going down on me. All you did was spit on my vagina thenput your penis in me. That was not sexy, pleasurable, or kosher. Allit was was gross. Angel dove; I love you, but let’s get somethingclear here. Never again spit on my vagina. Never. Never Five

Yelps

I don't want to.

Becky

Never Five.

Yelps

No...fine. Never Five

Bella

And we are moving on.

Yelps

Bella?

Bella

Yes.

Yelps

Can we edit that last part out too? I don't think I came off to good.

Bella

Sure. Eboni, you…nevermind. Natasha, youare the shortest person ever to attempt the High Jump. What makes youthink that you can medal?

Natasha

Oh I am not worried. I got how you say “mad skills.”

Bella

In Athens, Maria Mars, reached a height of 6 foot 7 to win the gold.Do you think you can beat that?

Natasha

Not a problem. At home I jumped at least 8 feet.

Bella

8 feet! That's incredible. If you can reach any where close to that,you will surely get Gold and set a record that no one will beat fordecades. What is your secret?

Natasha

Semen.

Bella

Semen?

Natasha

Yeah, works great. Before an athletic competition if a man has sex hebecomes weaker like Icelandic goat, but if a woman does she becomesstrong like 16 and a half Slutvian Oxen. We steal their power. So Ihave just been constantly fucking since being here. Met some coolpeople and made a bit of cash too. Wasn't expecting that. What areyou doing after interview I was like to make fuck with you?

Bella

I'm a little disgusted and turned on by your answer.

Natasha

I see nothing wrong. In my country sex is national pastime. We aremore free and mature about it than you from the States.

Bella

Yes, you are from Slutvia, is that right?

Natasha

Slutvia! Best country in the world.

Bella

Is that your whole plan? Just have sex and see if you can win Gold.

Natasha

Well that and I brought my own spring board from home and I am hopingthat the judges will let me use mine instead of theirs.

Bella

Spring Board? There are no spring boards in the high jump.

Natasha

Do you think that I am dumb? How stupid do I look? That is the mainpart of the high jump.

Bella

What are you talking about?

Natasha

The High Jump. Do you not know the sport? You run as fast as you canthen jump on the spring board and see how high you can go. I jumpedover my pappie last week and he is pretty tall.

Bella

No! no! No! That is not the high jump. You run as fast as you can andjump backwards over a bar and the person who can jump the highestwins. There is no spring board.

Natasha

What? That is not true?

Bella

Yes, it is. Everyone knows it. Why are you here? How did so manypeople get here that didn't even know the sport they were competingin? Like you, Eboni, what the fuck were you doing out on the floortoday?

Natasha

You are a mean man. I don't want to make fuck with you now. Switchplaces with me.

Eboni and Natasha switch places.

Eboni

I did a beautiful routine, mon.

Bella

You did a piece of crap.

Natasha

Don't be so harsh on her. She probably did the best she could.

Eboni

Yeah.

Bella

Really? That was the best you could.

Eboni

In Jamaica, that routine is honored for its grace and style. Weperform it every year at the annual Festival of the Goat and Turkey.

Bella

Are you guys drunk when at this festival?

Eboni

Hell yeah. It is the Festival of the Goat and Turkey, mon.

Bella

That explains it. Let me ask you and Natasha something. Have you everseen the event that you are competing in? Or have you ever watchedthe Olympics at all?

Natasha

In Slutvia, we have not invented the television yet.

Eboni

We were to poor to own one. But I have watched one when I came to theStates, but never the Olympics. I watched Seinfeld. Funny man.

Bella

Next time you compete in an international competition like theOlympics you should find out about the event before coming. Eboni,the ribbon floor exercise is about style and grace. Fluid movementwith amazing gymnastics. You only performed the most basic moves. Iwonder, do you know gymnastics? Can you even perform a standing frontflip?

Eboni

Oh sure. Watch

Eboni does a somersault. Stands upproud. All other Athletes cheer her on. They get really excitedseeing her perform.

See, mon.

Bella

I did see mon and I saw a somersault and a poor one at that. Not astanding front flip.

Yelps

I thought that it was pretty good.

Becky

So did I.

Natasha

Perfection.

Eboni

Thank you.

Bella

Eboni. You are no gymnast and should not compete here in theOlympics.

Natasha

You are rude man. She is a fine gymnast. Just because she doesn't metyour American standards doesn't mean she should not compete. She isrepresenting her country. And she is a fine representative.

Eboni

I also do the balance beam.

Bella

I have to see this.

Eboni

Oh okay. I can show you. Imagine this line is the balance beam.

Eboni makes imaginary line for balance beam. Eboni walks back andforth on the line. Just walking no tricks. She falls off once. AllAthletes cheer her on and hold breath. Yelps gets more excited thanothers.

Yelps

Olympic Five! Olympic Five!

Yelps gives an Olympic five to all athletes and audience members.When he gets to Bella he gives him a raspberry.

Loser.

Eboni

See mon I did it. Only loss my balance once. Did you like it?

Bella

You certainly did keep your balance. But where are the tricks, themaneuvers, the flips, the talent?

Eboni

You mean when those girls do those flippyflips and don't fall off?

Bella

Exactly.

Eboni

Oh that is just showing off and I don't like to show off.

Natasha

Hear! Hear! I myself am also competing in most of the sprints for mycountry. I was watching some of the other ladies and all of them justrun like the devil was chasing them. What's the point? Just to getthere first. Who wants to get there first? Not me. It's about thejourney, not the destination. That's why I casually jog my matches.During the 10,000m, have you ever ran that?

Eboni

Do I look like I run 10,000 anything?

Natasha

Yeah, it's really long. During the middle I get tired, so I stoppedand had a cigarette break. Some people started yelling at me and theywere all up in my face and I was like 'Back Off My Grill' 'Back OffMy Grill' except this one guy who I was like you should be in myGrill and after the match he was. It was pretty good, but didn't godown on me like you Yelps.

Bella

Yes. Let's get back to the two athletes that actually know what theyare doing here cause you two have no clue. Becky, who is the betterswimmer, you or Yelps?

Becky

Well we swim different styles. I don't really think you can compareus together.

Bella

That was a trick question. The answer was Yelps.

Becky

I kinda want to punch you right now.

Bella

If I had a nickel for every time a woman said that to me. Yelps, whatis life going to be like after swimming?

Yelps

After swimming? What do you mean?

Bella

When you stop swimming, one day you will not be able to swim. Whatthen?

Yelps

What day are you talking about? It is this week? Cause I'm prettysure I am swimming every day this week. Why would you say that? Iswim every day. Every day. Although one time I was on some reallykiller LSD, you remember that stuff puppy kisses.

Becky

Sorry I don't.

Yelps

That's right you weren't there. I asked you to come but you didn'tanswer.

Becky

When are you talking about?

Yelps

You didn't answer cause I asked you in my mind, and that's when Irealized that I have to ask you things with my mouth cause you can'tread.

Becky

I too can read.

Yelps

Then why can't you read my mind?

(beat)

Anyway, I was on this LSD and I hadn't swam that day and I wasfreaking out when I realized that I was swimming right then, only inthe ocean. See man, swimming isn't just in a pool. You can swim inthe ocean too. I even swam in a river once. So there are three placesthat you can swim. Bella, I will always be able to swim.

Bella

What about lakes?

Yelps

I don't swim in lakes cause you swim in them.

Yelps gives Bella a raspberry

Bella

You are expecting to swim in the Olympics when you are 40 or 50?

Yelps

Don't be an idiot. I am only 22. It's going to be like 80 years before I become 40 or 50 and by then they will invent something to replace swimming. People have only been swimming for like ten years, so it makes sense that they will come up with something better. That is why I am also competing in BMX.

Bella

I forgot that you were doing that. How is that working out for you?

Yelps

Fine. I thought, I know how to ride a bike, why not? Plus it's wicked cool and fun. I get mad speed and I jump over hills. And the crashes are insanely wicked. Plus Becky Mo-mecky Fe Fi No-necky thinks it's hot. Baby honey doll love, do you think we will be together forever? I do.

Becky

Yeah I'm stuck on you. Nothing could tear us apart sugar babe.

Yelps

Well a crowbar probably could. I was really proud of you today when you smashed that record. Good job. Record Five.

Becky

Record Five.

Bella

Final thoughts, Yelps?

Yelps

Becky, I think, that you and me need to have a threesome with Natasha.

Becky

What? Why?

Yelps

Well she said that she is collecting semen to make her stronger and what better semen than mine. I have like super semen. That's why you are so good cause you have my semen in like every part of you. She will surely win Gold with mine in her. Plus she is hot.

Natasha

I'm down.

Becky

You are always looking out for the other people. I love that about you.

Yelps

So, that's a yes, right?

Becky

No.

Yelps

Damn. Why?

Becky

Because she probably has a disease or something.

Natasha

No, I'm clean.

Yelps

It's not like we haven't had a disease before. It'll be like an early birthday present.

Becky

Your birthday is 9 months away.

Yelps

So it's a Really early present. Come on I'll go down on you more. Like I use to. Every time. I actually do miss seeing your face when you climax and feeling your thighs squeeze my head.

Becky

Really?

Yelps

Really.

Becky

You promise?

Yelps

Promise.

Becky

Every time.

Yelps

Every time.

Becky

Every time Five.

Yelps

Every time I feel like Five.

Becky

Every Time Five for threesome.

Yelps.

Okay. Everytime Five.

Becky

I love you, you are my gold medal.

Yelps

Oh, you are mine too.

Becky

Okay, we can have the threesome.

Yelps

Yes. let's go.

Becky

Right now?

Yelps

Might as well, Natasha, let's go have some afternoon delight.

Natasha

Yeah, this guy is a jerk anyway.

They exit

Bella

Eboni final thoughts?

Eboni

You are rude and an asshole. I hate you.

Eboni exits

Bella

And you have no talent.

Eboni flips him off

Well this has been Bella Lagrouse. I hope have enjoyed this episode of Olympic Gold. See you in London 2012.